How Processing Envy Saved My Life

Envy is one of those emotions with a bad rap, understandably so. You can come out openly to say you’re sad, or you’re happy or you’re angry but very rarely is that level of honesty acceptable for envy. I find this interesting because just like every other emotion, we all feel envy at some point; although some may claim otherwise. Perhaps because, at different points, we all fall short of adequately labeling our true emotions. Emotions are definitely not made equal in this respect.

Envy is what you feel when you scroll through Instagram and wish your ass was as fat as theirs. It’s what you feel when you get passed up on promotions so many times but your once peer is now your boss. Envy is the slight chest pain you get when your crush tells you about the girl they like and it’s not you. Envy, in its most unchecked form, is what you feel when your friends seem to have progressed farther in life than you have.

Envy and shame are fraternal twins. They don’t look alike but share genetics. Both, if allowed to grow, unchecked, could eventually lead to the destruction of the soul. Unchecked envy breeds bitterness, exacerbates defensiveness, and makes one operate from a place of scarcity. At the root of envy is an underlying belief of inadequacy, a “not-enoughness”. We feel shame for not having what they have and It forces a comparison with little knowledge or acknowledgment of the growing pains it took to achieve that “thing”.

I don’t believe any emotion is fundamentally bad. While some are more uncomfortable to bear than others, I see them as symptoms of something deeper. However, what we do with them matters more than the fact that we feel them in the first place. The ability to effectively process every emotion we feel should receive more praise than one’s ability to feign the presence of those emotions. Darkness, silence, and a lack of acknowledgment is the best environment for envy to grow. Not acknowledging how we truly feel kicks us out of the driver’s seat and gives full power to emotion to take us for a wild ride.

I’m by no means an expert at processing envy, but I can share my personal experience on how I’ve dealt with it and how it has, in fact, saved my life. This past year, I have felt left behind. Left behind by people close to me whom I felt had achieved some amazing things I wished I had too.

This realization of how I felt wasn’t sudden, it was a process. I was very happy for all my friends who had good news to share with me all through the year and I waited in anticipation with those expecting theirs. But there was something else I couldn’t quite put a finger to. There was a residual feeling left after the joy and excitement, it felt heavy. I did not like it. I wanted to run from it, I wanted to deny it existed, I did not even want to know its name.

Then I realized denial wouldn’t make it go away. In fact, this nameless emotion held me captive as it seemed even much bigger lurking in the dark. It caused me to stay in hiding and prevented me from being truly present with my friends. After days of heaviness, which eventually translated into tears, I named it. It was envy. I desired those things for myself too. I wanted us all to celebrate those good things together. I felt ashamed but lighter.

Half of the battle was won; I named the emotion. I love this quote from Brene Brown on the power of naming our emotions:

“it’s a huge part of mythology around the emotion that if we look it in the eye, it gives it power…the reality is, if we look it in the eye and name it, it gives us power”.

Now, I had to deal with the secondary emotion of shame. I felt shame for feeling anything but joy. I had to ask myself some really difficult questions to uncover the root of this. And it took a lot of vulnerability and honesty.

Because these emotions were no longer hidden, I could now take control of them. I was able to see clearly and realize what I was lacking was perspective. Each and everyone one of my friends had their journeys which led them to this moment. They also worked incredibly hard to achieve those things and deserve every bit of it. It is part of the beauty of the world that the different experiences we have contribute to the stories we tell and continue to tell.

This next realization led me into deep gratitude. I was grateful that I could see a direct correlation between hard work and success. I was grateful that they paved the way for me to see what was possible and I could even get guidance when it was my turn to experience those things too. I was also grateful that I no longer needed to hide, I could show up — authentically, unhindered and free; I could bear witness to their joy. This saved my life because I could have jeopardized some really important relationships in my life because I let my emotions drive them. I could have acted out in ways that’d prevent my friends from fully experiencing their own joy. I’m grateful I didn’t let it sever the connection I shared with them.

Can I admire and hope for the good things I see in others? Yes. But it is important I only make this a by-product of my primary feelings of joy and excitement. It is important that I am content with my life as it is right now that even without getting those things in the long run, I’d still be okay. It is important that I am honest enough with myself to identify all of these emotions early and process anyone that’ll hinder me from being fully present in experiencing the joy of others.

Recognizing envy and learning to adequately process it could be a gateway to expressing more gratitude, it could be an opportunity to better serve others and it could be the path to opening oneself up to the same blessings we envy. When we become more sensitive to moments that could lead to envy, we are in a better place to drive the narrative and prevent it from evolving into destructive actions. In fact, the more we process envy, the less likely it’ll be the prevalent emotion in future experiences (true story).

So next time I feel anything remotely close to envy, I now have the tools in my toolbox to effectively process it before it even rises to the surface. And the goal is to get so good at early detection, that it stops being a predominant feeling in future similar instances or occurrences. I choose to let my actions improve my future emotions.