The Evolution of Platonic Friendships
A lot of times, my friends and I talk about absolute random shenanigans, but every once in a while, we get really deep in some existential discussions that hold us all in a pause ( in case you’re wondering, both are really good for the soul ).
I’ve had a lot of the latter, lately and I thought I’d memorialize some of the musings and lessons in this article; you just might find them thought-provoking or at the very least a tad bit interesting.
On holding space for evolutions
Many of us are are going through varying forms of transitions — career, marriage, kids, relocation, etc. And these new changes are coming with the, sometimes hard to swallow, pill that our relationships are indeed also being transformed.
We are learning that what worked to sustain a decade old friendship may no longer be enough for the next decade. And for those of us who are paying close enough attention, we are witnessing unravelings, deconstructions, adaptations & remoldings of those who have been a part of our lives for a long time.
We are experiencing new versions of old friends and setting the foundations for new ones, all while evolving ourselves. All these changes call for new skills. Skills most of us have never had to exercise or worry about because things were simpler, at least they seemed so.
I’ve witnessed so many versions of you and I sometimes struggle to let go of the older version
This was an honest confession from one of my close friends and hearing that left me with a wave of realization followed by deep gratitude. It has never really occurred to me how much my evolutions (many of which don’t seem so obvious, even to me ) affect, whether positively or negatively, those close to me.
It dawned on me that, the friend she signed up for a decade ago, may not exactly be the one she has today ( not in the form of drastic character/commitment changes but in the transformation of their expressions) and it is okay to feel grief, a sense of loss or perhaps even some cognitive dissonance towards that as opposed to an always expected excitement. I was grateful because, one, she felt safe to tell me that and two, she’s still here, a close friend.
How do we learn to re-adjust or re-calibrate our relationships to accommodate for the evolution being experienced by each individual ?How do we accept that the end of a phase doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of a friendship? Although, I’d admit that we do grow so much apart from someone that the only feasible way to move forward is to both walk away. How do we become more conscious of our flexibility and lack thereof in allowing ourselves to experience people rather than possessing them ? How do we create a space where our friends can share the uncomfortable emotions that come with these ?
On setting boundaries and re-setting expectations
Ah! Boundaries — the word of the decade.
“How do you guys deal with the discomfort of setting boundaries, the feeling of guilt and not wanting to offend people ”— an excerpt from the group chat
Transitions require adjustments and sometimes those adjustments come with a need to engage in deeply uncomfortable conversations. Discussions around new rules of engagement, what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Obviously, we are all living the same lives because mentioning the word “boundaries” will most certainly get you a double take and a bit of a dramatic gasp. But it’s not just a psychoanalytic term that gets mentioned a lot by your therapist, it’s a word that carries so much weight for many of us because it’s the self preservation blanket around our brand new skin after shedding the old.
It is so much easier to set boundaries for a new relationship but how do you tell a friend that the joke that used to be so funny 10 years ago now triggers you ? Or how do you explain to your 60 year old mom, she’s not allowed to sign you up for things without first checking in on your headspace? These are, of course, the more benign examples of the implications of having to draw a line with those we care about.
Accompanying our need to allow ourselves exist freely in our new reality, without having to give unending explanations, are very complex emotions. Guilt, shame,anxiety,fear. Feeling guilty for being the bad guy, shame for not being the person they expected , anxiety about the possibility of rejection and fear of losing the connection that once waxed strong.
The antidote for sustenance
So what’s the take away here ? Since this doesn’t seem to be unique to just one person, can we all agree to allow grace be the foundation of this shared experience? Can we lean in more rather than run the opposite direction at the slightest sign of inconvenience? Can we all commit to working on individual self-awareness to aid a better collective interaction ?
Friendships, great platonic friendships, will always be the stuff a good life is made of. And just “winging” it can no longer suffice. To be beneficiaries of a healthy friendship, we have to be active participants in our relationships, we have to stay attentive, stay present and stay open to the various forms they’ll take over the course of a lifetime. Or what do you think ?
